I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
