i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
True strength comes from lack of pants
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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