dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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