Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
