apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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