the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
