Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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