I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
