I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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