You really coming over, don't trick.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
