I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
