I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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