Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
