The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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