I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
