I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
