yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FUCK WHALES
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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