Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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