she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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