I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
