she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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