I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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