I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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