you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
