i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
