I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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