i love accidental penises.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
