I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
