Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
