Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
