I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
