If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
