never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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