i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
