Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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