peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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