i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
