I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's blow job season.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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