so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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