i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
