God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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