i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
