remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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