are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
