I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
