names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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