In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
