I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Welp...herpes.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
