really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
