So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
