her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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